Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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