the only muscles i have these days is kegels
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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