I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
