dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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