I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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