last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
