Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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