So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
