hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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