Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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