I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
last night I used snow as a chaser
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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