he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Let's get the cat blown out
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize