Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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