There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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