you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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