My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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