You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
