That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
