well I can't set my house on fire every night
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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