Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
zippers are such a cool invention
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
As shirtless as possible
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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