Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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