God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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