I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
