At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
