all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
