i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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