i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Two words: nipple clamps
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