I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
