I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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