the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
