Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
