I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
