I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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