theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
