Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize