it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
