I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
