I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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