My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
