he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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