I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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