your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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