Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
