He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
