so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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