I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
