We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
