Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
