Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize