SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
