Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
