I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
