Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
