remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
