so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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