I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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