Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Houston, we have a squirter
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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