I love black thongs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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